A Log Fit For Burning

Hey, uh……fans of Arlo’s blog!This is Ryan Gelatin. Arlo invited me to contribute to his blog, and I was all about it, however I rarely ever feel like writing. I mean, I rarely have anything pressing on my mind that I feel isn’t best said elsewhere and probably with much more insight. Which is funny cause I was pretty dead set on being a “writer” for a good chunk of my life. Now I just wanna create dumb/brilliant things and then promptly forget I made said dumb/brilliant thing (usually by combining alcohol with apathy). If that makes any sense? Sure it does.

Currently, I am sitting in a civil war bookstore trying to think of funny lyrics. I’ve recently joined a band called “Green Blood”. That name may change cos we’ve already changed the name a bunch already. I sing. And the dudes in the band have proven to be songwriting behemoths, and now I have like 8 songs I need to write lyrics for all at once. The songs are awesome, it’s a good problem, just kinda overwhelming. 

Also currently, I am sorta-seriously contemplating the design aspects of a new tattoo I may get. It is of Klarion the Witchboy who was a primary antagonist for Jack Kirby’s “The Demon”. However, I can’t find a suitable enough Kirby rendering of Klarion to justify foreverness. The main idea is to have Klarion’s head in the center of Eliphas Levi’s pentagram, for no other reason than I pretty much think it’d look cool and it’s been a while since I’ve felt foolish enough to get a tattoo. And I normally feel the onset of foolishness once the spring hits. I’m still stupidly workin’ it out. Good times.

Also currently, I am trying to think of a completely ridiculous storyline for a Steven Seagal short film. Some publishing company is hosting a Steven Seagal tribute video contest on youtube. First place is a playstation 3. And I really really want a playstation 3, preferably for free. I’ve already made one video (which I tried to post here a few times, but never found the success button), however I don’t think it’s gonna win any contests and I need to create something on a more epic Seagal-ly scale. I need barfights spilling out into a Korean fish market and spiritual awareness. Blood soaked ponytails and emotionless, nonsensical rants. I need it all under 5 minutes. I’m still stupidly working it out.

Also currently, I am planning my weekend, which should possibly go as follows:

Friday night – Playing Dungeons and Dragons late into the night. I play a chaotic neutral elf named Tesco Vee. He is a master thief. A demon once stole my arm, but I have somehow since retrieved it. It’ s totally fun as fuck.

Saturday day – I am participating in a cornhole tournament (of all things) with my friend Marcie. Top prize is $1,000 and she’s paying our entrance fee. I get to drink during it. I better be allowed to drink during it. We ain’t gotta prayer, but whatever.

Saturday night – I’m going to some art show with a robot theme that I was supposed to be in. I’m not in it because I didn’t do anything for it. The ironic thing being that I have recently moved into a new house and I have pretty much converted the basement into a studio/fortress of solitude. However, as of this writing, I haven’t created one single thing worthy of mention down there. I pretty much just listen to old Coast to Coast AM shows and This American Life while I sip beers and and flip through old comics. It’s still pretty awesome.

Sunday Day – I’m helping my boss clear out a house she owns. Her renters have totally up and vanished after owing her months of back rent. But get this, they left behind a ton of stuff. The cabinets and fridge were full of groceries. Clothes were still in the closet. Just a mess of things that were left behind. One particular item being a big box of mostly unlabeled VHS tapes. I quickly snagged those up and watched a couple at home. After hours upon hours of the camera being pointed at the sky during different hours of the day and in various positions, I have surmised that these tapes were made for the purpose of UFO research. There are also a few labeled tapes featuring some UFO documentaries, which supports my theory. This lends plausibility to my assumption that these people ( an entire family) have not just simply disappeared, but they have obviously quite complicatedly been abducted by aliens. And I now hold the evidence! The white hiphop fanatic whose parents live across the street from the house claims that the family split up and the dad now lives a few towns over, he’s totally full of shit.

But I know what’s really going on,
Stuart. I know it’s the queers. They’re in it with the aliens.
They’re building landing strips for gay Martians, I swear to
God!!!!!!

I also found a checkbook in the freezer and a bottle of urine in a kitchen drawer while working at the house. These aliens sure don’t fuck around.

Sunday night - Going to see Mudhoney at the Southgate House.

love,

ryan gelatin

Overheard, downtown Detroit : “Ooh, loookit that fat black guy power walkin’! Don’t he look gay!

In the industrial age child labor manifested itself as children working 14-hour shifts in textile factories, often losing digits or whole limbs on the job. We, as a nation, realized that a child is only your slave if comes out of your vagina so we got outraged about people enslaving other people’s children and said that you have to be at least 13 to work in a factory. But that’s not all we did. But I’m not going to cover it all here. You can check out Peter Werbe or Thom Hartmann or a Woody Guthrie record if you want to know more.

In the information age child labor is not so apparent. The children are employed at places like Myspace. Why did Rupert Murdoch spend 400 rupies to get Myspace? It’s free to the user. Who are the customers? The customers are other media companies who want you to see or listen to or sometimes even read their latest vehicle. They want you to spend $11 to go see Adam Sandler’s new drama “Don’t Mess With Zoloft”. They want you to click on the bouncing duck so you can give them a bunch of personal information while they pretend that you have a chance at winning an iPod or a new Swatch or some such gadgetry. So, the advertisers are the customers. What are they buying? They’re buying you. They’re buying your attention. You are the product. You’re working for Rupert Murdoch. Congratulations.

But that’s not what this post is about. I wanted to say that I have a little analytics diddly-do on here that tells me how many people looked at what post and what search engine terms they used to get there. For instance, I know that there’s a Mac forum where someone posted a link to my post about how to fix the “Mighty” Mouse and that post gets a lot of traffic. Because the Mighty Mouse is basically a piece of crap and Apple should be ashamed to have their logo on it. Same goes for their USB modem, which only works if you want a modem that doesn’t work. And I can also tell that the guy from Loco Gnosis only ever looked around on here because he was Googling himself. A lot of people come here because they Googled “Lasagne Cat”. Another one of my posts which gets a lot of traffic is my “Sunday Bible Lesson” about the real 10 commandments (they’re not what you think they are). Most of the people who look at that post have searched for some variation on “free sunday school lesson” which always makes me wonder if you don’t put “free” in the search if all the results are for bible lessons that you have to pay for. I guess I could Google it… nah. But today, someone searched for “fun bible lessons on lying”.

Fun bible lessons on lying. There is so much funny and wrong about that sentence that I’d use up all available server space trying to analyze it.

Kwame is doing on a city level what George W Bush has done at the federal level : He’s made us a laughing stock. He’s fucked up egregiously and has made it clear that he’s not going anywhere. He acts like he’s really proud of the good job that he’s been doing. He’s fucked with the numbers and obscured our bankruptcy to the point that when we realize how broke we are we’re going to have to do something drastic like sell our ports to Dubai or sell the Canadian tunnel to Matty Maroun. Here’s John Stewart and an R. Kelly impersonator making a funny about it.

Accident Having Sex – Watch more free videos

$4.99 diesel : South Lyon

Maybe I should rethink that neti pot purchase

Downtown Detroit today smells like Bigfoot pooped in it

License plate, Grektown casino: IBLDM4U “I blowed him for you”?