A Log Fit For Burning

I’m waiting for my pizza, watching this:

Domino’s Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

It reminds me of the shrimp pizza that Domino’s had that I used to love. Bob Clark and I got talking about it one night and we discovered that Steve’s Pizza Island & Coney right around the corner offered shrimp as a topping on their pizza. So we ordered it. The pizza looked like someone dumped a can of egg roll shrimp, water and all, onto the pizza after it was cooked. And that’s how it tasted too. The Steve’s Pizza Island & Coney around the corner went out of business a long time ago. But I’ll always remember the night that I realized that Levitical law was ahead of it’s time.

I’m home alone. I’ve got a car but it doesn’t have brakes. So I could go to the mall if I wanted but it would be a Joliet Jake style visit. So I’m drinking beer while my dog gnaws on a smoked deer leg behind me. I gave him a raw chicken heart a few minutes ago. He practically drank it. I’m feeding him raw chicken parts so that his dewclaws become tough like a fighting cock’s. I want to be able to stick a potato on his dewclaw and have it stay there all day. Anyway, here’s a video of two bonobos in a play.

I bought my first dwarf porn today.

This makes the third porn I own, so maybe I’m getting in way over (or under, in the case of dwarfism) my head. The first porn movie I’ve ever owned is some weird 80’s German rubber-fetish thing that was way too weird to get rid of. Some guy gave it to me when I worked at a comic book store. The manager of the store had apparently hooked him up with some comics or something, and in return requested that the guy give him the most bizarre thing he could come up with as payment for the hook up. And then my boss handed me this German rubber-fetish video. I hated his guts, and I didn’t really want it, but whatever I took it.  The transaction in itself was bizarre enough for me, I woulda been happy with some beat up Fantastic Fours, but German women wearing full-bodied rubber outfits in cages was what I brought home. It sucked.

The second porn I ever bought is the arguably  hilariously brilliant “Night Dreams”. This is the non-explicit trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elrK0×7sdls

Night Dreams is something of a porn anomaly I guess. A very arty and kinda funny (it was probably much funnier whenever it was made) porn with not as much sex as you’d expect. The trailer I posted above pretty much shows the best part of the movie, but after that Satan gets into the mix and everyone seems to be having an ok time in Hell. Like a Far Side cartoon.

Here’s some “too much information” about Night Dreams: my girlfriend and I watched it together. The whole thing, and it’s totally not actually erotic in the least. We just sat and watched it. Right afterwards I put in “I am Legend” with Will Smith, and we were both fast asleep on opposite ends of the couch.

Anyways, this dwarf porn is probably the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I think that’s saying something.  I was driving through North Dayton when I noticed a sign out of the corner of my eye that said “book store”. I was on the clock and wanting to kill some time, so I parked on the next street down and walked over. As I got closer I realized there was a small “adult” written above the much larger fonted “book store”, but I was already there so I went in because I’m an adult (sort of).

The old guy behind the counter was sorting through a bunch of “Famous Monsters of Filmland” magazines, which I quickly inquired about, but he said they were strictly for ebay. However, he said he had more at home and now I’m supposed to call him next week about them. And I probably will.

The walls were covered in old vhs tapes of porn, which was kinda funny. He had dvd’s as well, but he chose to put the vhs on display. Probably because they were a cheap buy in a poor neighborhood.

That’s where I noticed the dwarf porn. So I paid 8 bucks for it. It’s not some new “dwarf porn” for the kids, this shit looks like it was made in ‘79. This is real dwarf porn, bro’.  I watched it while I was scanning in old family photos for my mom and listening to Johnny Cash’s “Everybody Loves a Nut” and drinking Rolling Rock, which I think happens to be Arlo’s choice for The King of Beers.

Anyways, the video was actually 2 really old dudes, one skinny asian guy, and a “biker” dwarf. A biker dwarf is funny enough to me.  And then 2 old Norwegian ladies. The whole thing lasts for an hour and I may keep it or  I may send this to Doug Stanhope tomorrow. But if anyone wants it, make me an offer. I’ve had it for exactly 6 hours now, and I’m ready to get rid of it.  Here’s the cover:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v209/gelatin/dwarf01.jpg

love,

Ryan

CNN presents this as if it has anything at all to do with beer. Belgian corporation InBev has purchased US corporation Anheuser Busch. What does this mean to beer drinkers? Well, if you drink Bud Light then you’re not a beer drinker. So I don’t know. Budweis is a city in the Czech Republic. So is Pilsen. They’ve been brewing beer in Budweis since at least the 13th century. Beer from Budweis is called Budweiser. Beer from Pilsen is called Pilsener. Lager beer brewing started in the 18th or 19th century or thereabouts. Lager brewing uses a different strain of yeast. Saccharomyces cerevisiae is traditional beer yeast, it takes it’s name from the roman goddess Ceres, queen of the grain. Saccharomyces Carlsbergensis is Lager yeast. It’s name would suggest that it was first isolated by scientists working for the Carlsberg brewery. Before it had a name, however, it was being used by brewers in Bavaria. They were lagering, or storing, their beer in caves. Normally yeast are active at about 70 degrees fahrenheit or so. The yeast in these caves had to adapt to the cold weather and lager yeast was born. The lager beer is lighter in color. The Czechs liked the beer you could see through because they also liked drinking out of glass. Most everyone else was still using opaque imbibing vessels. I’m pretty sure most of western Europe were still drinking from crude pottery and most of northern Europe were still drinking from skulls. So it took longer for the lager beer to catch on in those places. Anyway, true budweiser is nothing like Budweiser. Because they’re not about beer, they’re about business. That’s why you’ll see billboards for things like Budweiser with ginseng in it and Bud Light with clam juice in it. That’s why they’ll spend millions of dollars to get on your television set to tell you how bold and flavorful their beer is. The truth is that they add rice to their mash. Rice adds no flavor but lightens the body of the beer. Oh, and it’s cheaper than barley. So they spend their money telling you that their beer is full of flavor rather than just putting the flavor in there. But it’s probably not their fault. It’s probably yours for believing them. Because they don’t sell beer. They sell product. They sell brand loyalty. They sell their logo. So, yeah. There are hundreds of styles of beer out there. And I’m not talking about brands. When you’re at Hooters and the girl in the panty hose and the puffy white shoes and the orange hot pants says something like “We’ve got Bud, Bud Light, Mic, Mic Light, Mic Ultra, Labatt’s, Labatt’s Light”, she’s basically telling you that they have seven different brands of identical beer. It’s like going to a bakery where all they have is Wonder Bread.

All this convoluted blogging is making me thirsty.

I took this online grammar quiz about commonly confused words. According to the internets I’m more good at talking than most people. Even though every time someone asks me how I’m doing I tell them “pretty good” :

Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test …
English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 93% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can’t find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don’t. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you’re not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Take the test here

Balla Powder : Scented Scrotum Powder is for sale on Amazon. It got BoingBoinged and the user reviews are getting pretty funny. Stanley Runk says “I think we can all agree that nothing’s worse than a wet, smelly, grimy sack. My wife’s always telling me that one whiff of the foul thing could knock the Terminator off of a manure truck.” Turdulon 2000 says “Sure, it’s great for keeping your nut-satchel smelling sweeter than a tour of a butterscotch factory. But it also makes a great popcorn seasoning! Mmmmm… scented scrotum talc-seasoned popcorn. Sweet enough to please, and just salty enough to tease!”

Any footage of a cake that’s more frames than a photograph seems to be a little gratuitous. But it’s a Coors light cake!

The “Legend of Bigfoot” made in 1976 is total bullshit. It’s a nature movie sold to you on the pretense that maybe Bigfoot will somehow show up. It’s nice if you’re into squirrels and bears and wannabe Disney narrators, but it’s not really a bigfoot movie. It’s the only real rip-off I’ve come across so far of “The Legend of Boggy Creek”, the definitive bigfoot movie. And that’s something positive at least.

The fact that someone took the time to lazily rip-off Boggy Creek is remarkable in itself. Boggy Creek was made for a borrowed $160,00 (according to wikipedia) and has brought in about $20 million to date. How does someone borrow $160,000 for an amateur bigfoot movie? In 1976, does it still qualify as “amateur” with that sort of borrowed money?

Hold it……I’m currently watching “The Legend of Bigfoot” and right now the narrator is fighting a cloud storm in Alaska that was caused by bigfoot. He just narrated it. He made it out ok.

Anyways, before the fourth of July weekend the dude my mom married gave me a huge bag of fireworks. Two days later a friend and I were at a party and he decided to climb onto the roof of the house and light off fireworks. It was five in the morning. I sat in the backyard and watched. After a few minutes, I approached the house and told him he should probably get down. Then three cops came running around to the back of the house. They put me in the car immediately. My friend jumped down from the roof and gave them my bag of fireworks.

The funny thing is, we both got tickets, but they gave me the same ticket they gave him. He was on a roof lighting off fireworks, I was in a backyard telling him to come down with a drink in hand, and they said I was an accomplice. So now I gotta go to court and plead “not guilty”. I’ll probably just talk about bigfoot movies the whole time.

There’s a good chance that the Motherscratchers will be playing the Labor Day festival in Hamtramck. We used to close our shows with one of three songs : Highway 61, Cocksucker Blues, or The Ballad of Ted Veal (which I consider to be our magnum opus). We closed our first two reunions with Highway 61 and Cocksucker Blues so it’s Ted Veal’s turn. But I have to remember how to play it and how to sing it. So I dug the lyrics out of hiding this morning and stumbled across a few other jems :

A limerick I wrote about Our Fair President. I’m pleased that I covered the 2000 Supreme Court decision to hand the presidency to him, the war he started, his stance on gay marriage, and his resemblance to Lancelot Link all in the confines of the limerick template :

A chimp who once lost an election
rose up through unnatural selection
He started a war
Then he started to roar
that no wieners should find intersection

In fairness, I wrote another one about Dubyah’s buddy from Skull and Bones. It’s not as funny. JK is not as funny as GWB. That’s why you see so many of those “W” stickers all over the place. Because he’s funny. People who own ranches but are afeared of horses are funny. So I went with the obvious, his long head and an old joke about a horse in a bar. Which is funny because his friend from Skull and Bones who owns a ranch and likes to pretend that he’s a cowboy is afeared of horses.

The Democrat’s Vietnam ace,
a shoe-in for November’s race
walked into a bar
‘tender said, “You’re a star!
So tell me son – why the long face?”

Then I found this drawing from a page of a ledger I had when I went to art “school”